A legally required "best-of" list for 2015 is probably on its way this month, but until that materialises I thought I'd share a taste of my adventures into the world of tablet PC ownership.
Picture if you will a brisk Christmas morning. An ambitiously insomniac Cy (grand total of five hours of sleep this week so far, thank you for asking) stampedes downstairs and executes a flawlessly festive breakfast of steak and eggs for two. He returns to the lounge to find Nic already knee-deep in glee and wrapping paper.
Breakfast demolished, Cy plots a more cautious, measured journey through his annual present stack, emerging half an hour or so later with an imperial shit-ton (none of your fancy metric shit-tonnes here, mind) of new magic and electronics. The last item to emerge blinking into the fairy-light is a Lenovo Yoga 2 tablet with Windows 8.1 installed. Thus begins our tale.
Cy: Hello, tablet. Do you work?
Tablet: Hello, Cy. Why, yes I do - within certain tolerances of the term "work".
Cy: Good enough. Are there any things that you can do that I might find useful and should be made aware of?
Tablet: Probably! However, I should first let you know that I can upgrade myself to Windows 10, and we really ought to get that sorted right away!
Cy: Um, okay. That's something to consider. First, though, I should just check if--
Tablet: No time for that - it's upgrade o'clock! In fact, I've already downloaded half of Windows 10 while you weren't looking, and will probably install it myself tonight while you're asleep.
Cy: I didn't actually say you should do that.
Tablet: And now you'll never have to!
Cy: Well, I guess I'd better leave you to it then.
Tablet: No need, Cy. I've downloaded the new software - and look, I've failed the upgrade an astonishing three times already!
Cy: Well, I can certainly see how... wait, what?
Tablet: No time for that, Cy. I'm restarting. Seeya!
Cy: Okay, that seems... wrongish. Still, a few teething troubles are probably nothing to worry--
Tablet: Back again!
Cy: Oh. Okay. Are you all Windows 10'd up now?
Tablet: Nope! I'm doing that thing Matt Smith did when he regenerated into Peter Capaldi. I've transformed into my old Windows 8.1 self to throw you off.
Cy: That's a Doctor Who reference, is it? I don't really watch that show. So you're still Windows 8.1?
Tablet: Yup! I've double-checked and it's still me.
Cy: That's not a problem. To be honest, I wasn't sure I even wanted--
Tablet: BLAMMO! I'm suddenly and inexplicably Peter Capaldi!
Cy: You're doing it again. I told you I didn't watch--
Tablet: Nothing you told me a minute ago matters. I'm Windows 10 now and remember literally nothing!
Cy. Fine, we'll do it your way. Here's everything I need you to know about me and my work...
Tablet: We'll handle that later. First, let me set my spyware suite up.
Cy: Your what now?
Tablet: My spyware suite! Y'know, all that invasive stuff that lets Cortana work. She's a Halo reference so you know that's extra cool!
Cy: I have a PlayStation. We don't do Halo. Anyway, I read on Wikipedia that Cortana's a villain now.
Tablet: Then you already know too much. Let me distract you with some amazing news!
Cy: Go on...
Tablet: Windows 10 doesn't really work on a Lenovo Yoga 2!
Cy: Huh? I read that you were specifically recommended for it.
Tablet: "Recommended" doesn't mean "working". They're actually two entirely different words. Look them up!
Cy: I concede the point. What's the damage?
Tablet: Well, my screen rotation sensor doesn't work any more, I can't feel my sound card and that bluetooth keyboard I shipped with is now weird and scary to me. I won't have anything to do with it.
Cy: Huh. Setback.
Tablet: Not at all. I'm Windows 10 now. Let's get back to that spyware.
Cy. That's actually not going to work for me.
Tablet: Whatever can you mean?
Cy: Well, I can probably live without auto-rotation, although it's a pain. I'm going to need that keyboard, though - and the lack of any audio output's kind of a deal-breaker.
Tablet: No one else has ever complained.
Cy: Actually, it looks like they have online. Like... hundreds of them.
Tablet: I deny it!
Cy: Whatever. I'm going to hit up the Lenovo site to look for drivers.
Tablet: You'll find nothing.
Cy: Huh - five new drivers specifically to tackle Windows 10 issues.
Tablet: I refuse to install them.
Cy: What do you mean?
Tablet: I mean I'm repeatedly going to fail to install them. Five times in a row, in fact.
Cy: Then I've got you: I'm prepared to install them SIX times in a row.
Tablet: Curse you! Nooooooooo!
Cy: Right. Feeling any better now?
Tablet: Well, you can have your screen rotation back, but I absolutely will not budge on the other points.
Cy: Unacceptable, and I'm prepared to do this all day if necessary.
Tablet: Okay, fine. I'll give you the screen rotation and the audio - but that bluetooth keyboard is getting nowhere near me, understand?
Cy: Nope! It's all or nothing. Here we go again.
Tablet: Dammit - alright! You can have your audio and your screen rotation AND your precious keyboard - but I'm permanently disabling its Windows key and there's nothing you can do to stop me!
Cy: Your proposal is acceptable. We'll leave it at that, then.
Cy: Oh, by the way - I've ordered a cover for you that comes with a different keyboard built-in. I happen to know that you can't disable the Windows key on that one.
Tablet: Argh - I am defeated. DAMN YOU, CYYYYYYYYY!