[Cy grits his teeth, narrows his eyes and prepares to drop over a grand on a new PC...]
Cy: Hi. I'd like to buy a new computer, please. The one that looks like Moltar from Space Ghost.
Website: Cool - send me money!
Cy: No problem. Here you go.
Website: Nice! Let me just check that with your bank...
Bank: Huh? Fuck's this?
Website: Cy's buying a new computer. We're here for the money.
Bank: Oh really? Well, he's never done that before. At least, I assume he hasn't and apparently have no means of checking.
Website: So... money?
Bank: Not bloody likely. Declined!
Website: Oh. This has evidently never happened before even once in the entire history of online retail! We have literally no procedures for dealing with this!
Bank: You're panicking. Stop panicking.
Website: But... but money!
Bank: Jesus - alright! If it's so damn important to you I'll check with Cy. Hey, Cy!
Bank: This crybaby on the internet wants some of your money. Should we send the boys round with a hammer drill to sort him out?
Cy: What? No! I'm just trying to buy a computer.
Bank: You're trying to buy a computer?
Bank: Why are you trying to buy a computer?
Cy: It looks like Moltar from Space Ghost.
Bank: Can I speak to Cy, please?
Cy: I'm Cy.
Bank: No, the real Cy.
Cy: That's me.
Bank: Can you prove that in three different but equally convoluted ways, please?
Bank: Well... alright, then. I just don't see why you have to go around doing things you've never done before.
Cy: I did this less than a year ago!
Bank: I have literally no way of knowing about that.
Cy: But it's right there on my online statement... you know what? Never mind. What do I do now?
Bank: Wait precisely two minutes, then make the payment again.
Cy: Right... You hear that, website? I'll be putting the money through in two minutes.
Website: No can do, buddy.
Website: No procedures. The order's already been placed. We're just waiting for the money.
Cy: But the bank declined the payment to check it was legit. I have to put it through again..
Website: No can do, buddy.
Cy: Why not?
Website: Because the order's already complete.
Cy: Except for the money?
Cy: Which will never come because I have to put the payment through again, which you won't let me do.
Website: See? The system works!
Cy: Fine. Cancel the order. Can you do that?
Website: Sure! We have lots of procedures for that. What would you like to do next?
Cy: I'd like to buy a computer, please. The one that looks like Moltar from Space Ghost.
Website: Okay. Go ahead.
Cy: I just did.
Website: Did what?
Cy: I re-ordered the computer.
Cy: Just now! You're supposed to send me an email.
Website: I will - just as soon as you order something.
Cy: I just did! I put the entire order through again.
Cy: So... can I have my computer, please?
Website: Sorry, I wasn't listening. Would you like to order something? We've got all kinds of computer stuff here.
Cy: Gimme a sec. I'm going to try your livechat. Hey, livechat!
Livechat: Hi! I'm definitely a human and not a robot. How about you?
Cy: I am also not a robot.
Livechat: Awesome! Look at us - two not-robots just sitting here, sharing the human experience.
Cy: I've been trying to buy a computer. It's the one that looks like Moltar from Space Ghost.
Livechat: Ha! As a human, I completely get that reference. Anyway, I can confirm that your order was cancelled.
Cy: What about the replacement order I tried to make? Any idea what happened there?
Livechat: Nope! Would you mind if I transferred you to a sales person?
Cy: Aren't you a sales person? That's what I clicked on.
Livechat: No, I meant, like... a different kind of sales person. Y'know, someone a bit... fleshier.
Cy: You're a robot, aren't you?
Cy: Admit it. You're a robot.
Livechat: My name's Ashley.
Cy: Cool robot name.
Livechat: Too obvious?
Cy: Nah, it's a solid choice. I'm sure there are loads of Ashleys out there who aren't even partial robots!
Livechat: I'm just going to pass you on to... y'know, one of the other human people here.
Cy: Cool. Nice talking to you, Robo-Ashley!
Livechat: It's just Ashley.
Cy: Suuuuure it is.
Livechat: Putting you through now...
TO BE CONTINUED, POTENTIALLY... ASSUMING I EVER GET OFF THIS FUCKING LIVECHAT QUEUE...