Tuesday, 25 April 2017

I've had time to write all this while waiting...

[Cy grits his teeth, narrows his eyes and prepares to drop over a grand on a new PC...]

Cy: Hi. I'd like to buy a new computer, please. The one that looks like Moltar from Space Ghost.

Website: Cool - send me money!

Cy: No problem. Here you go.

Website: Nice! Let me just check that with your bank...

Bank: Huh? Fuck's this?

Website: Cy's buying a new computer. We're here for the money.

Bank: Oh really? Well, he's never done that before. At least, I assume he hasn't and apparently have no means of checking.

Website: So... money?

Bank: Not bloody likely. Declined!

Website: Oh. This has evidently never happened before even once in the entire history of online retail! We have literally no procedures for dealing with this!

Bank: You're panicking. Stop panicking.

Website: But... but money!

Bank: Jesus - alright! If it's so damn important to you I'll check with Cy. Hey, Cy!

Cy: Hm?

Bank: This crybaby on the internet wants some of your money. Should we send the boys round with a hammer drill to sort him out?

Cy: What? No! I'm just trying to buy a computer.

Bank: You're trying to buy a computer?

Cy: Yes.

Bank: Why are you trying to buy a computer?

Cy: It looks like Moltar from Space Ghost.

Bank: ...

Bank: Can I speak to Cy, please?

Cy: I'm Cy.

Bank: No, the real Cy.

Cy: That's me.

Bank: Can you prove that in three different but equally convoluted ways, please?

Cy: Sure!

Bank: Well... alright, then. I just don't see why you have to go around doing things you've never done before.

Cy: I did this less than a year ago!

Bank: I have literally no way of knowing about that.

Cy: But it's right there on my online statement... you know what? Never mind. What do I do now?

Bank: Wait precisely two minutes, then make the payment again.

Cy: Right... You hear that, website? I'll be putting the money through in two minutes.

Website: No can do, buddy.

Cy: What?

Website: No procedures. The order's already been placed. We're just waiting for the money.

Cy: But the bank declined the payment to check it was legit. I have to put it through again..

Website: No can do, buddy.

Cy: Why not?

Website: Because the order's already complete.

Cy: Except for the money?

Website: Exactly.

Cy: Which will never come because I have to put the payment through again, which you won't let me do.

Website: See? The system works!

Cy: Fine. Cancel the order. Can you do that?

Website: Sure! We have lots of procedures for that. What would you like to do next?

Cy: I'd like to buy a computer, please. The one that looks like Moltar from Space Ghost.

Website: Okay. Go ahead.

Cy: I just did.

Website: Did what?

Cy: I re-ordered the computer.

Website: When?

Cy: Just now! You're supposed to send me an email.

Website: I will - just as soon as you order something.

Cy: I just did! I put the entire order through again.

Website: ...

Cy: So... can I have my computer, please?

Website: Sorry, I wasn't listening. Would you like to order something? We've got all kinds of computer stuff here.

Cy: Gimme a sec. I'm going to try your livechat. Hey, livechat!

Livechat: Hi! I'm definitely a human and not a robot. How about you?

Cy: I am also not a robot.

Livechat: Awesome! Look at us - two not-robots just sitting here, sharing the human experience.

Cy: I've been trying to buy a computer. It's the one that looks like Moltar from Space Ghost.

Livechat: Ha! As a human, I completely get that reference. Anyway, I can confirm that your order was cancelled.

Cy: What about the replacement order I tried to make? Any idea what happened there?

Livechat: Nope! Would you mind if I transferred you to a sales person?

Cy: Aren't you a sales person? That's what I clicked on.

Livechat: No, I meant, like... a different kind of sales person. Y'know, someone a bit... fleshier.

Cy: You're a robot, aren't you?

Livechat: ...

Cy: Admit it. You're a robot.

Livechat: My name's Ashley.

Cy: Cool robot name.

Livechat: Too obvious?

Cy: Nah, it's a solid choice. I'm sure there are loads of Ashleys out there who aren't even partial robots!

Livechat: I'm just going to pass you on to... y'know, one of the other human people here.

Cy: Cool. Nice talking to you, Robo-Ashley!

Livechat: It's just Ashley.

Cy: Suuuuure it is.

Livechat: Putting you through now...

TO BE CONTINUED, POTENTIALLY... ASSUMING I EVER GET OFF THIS FUCKING LIVECHAT QUEUE...

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